If At First You Don’t Succeed

Nothing.  A bunch of nothing.  That is what I accomplish.   I have all of these grand ideas running around my head.  Years and years I have made lists and lists and I am always in the same place.  Treading water.  Working hard to go nowhere.

How can I change this pattern.  How can I go from a thousand intentions, wants, desires, hopes, and dreams to at least a few channeled into actual accomplishments.

I am not sure yet.

Will daily writing help?  Some swear by it. Get the words out…empty that tornado swirling in your brain out into paper (or computer) to leave an empty space in which to create, to act, to do.

Fine thing…except how many years have I spent starting a journal that ends up with ONE journal entry.  The beginning.  Always the beginning.  Sometimes it is so hard to take any steps to get away from that beginning.  Truly, I have years and years of journals (at least ten books) with the one requisite beginning.  And true to form it (and I) never go anywhere.

At nearly 48 years old I feel my world has figuratively (maybe even literally sometimes) imploded on me.  I am tired of treading to nowhere.

I have accumulated, hoarded, gathered, and housed a lot, both tangible and intangible.  I have stuff.  So much stuff.  And it is so hard to get rid of my stuff.  The Veteran’s and Salvation Army have become regular visitors to my house, hauling off porch-loads of bags and boxes.  The memories I can bear to let go as long as they go somewhere with the hope that somebody will use them.  Still 6 or more hauls and I still live in stuff.  And that is just the physical stuff.

The mental stuff is so much harder to deal with.  I am so bogged down in mental stuff that my universe has become cramped and painful.   I am tired of the pain.  I am tired of the worry, stress, fear, and anxiety.

I am tired of waking up fearful of what bomb my day will drop and planning how to get through it rather than waking up brilliantly aglow, eager to see what my day presents and looking forward to love and accomplishment.

I have had enough.  It is time to change.

My year 2012 is my year of letting go.  I started Cluttered…Chaos…Calm so many years ago and how many posts does it have?  I don’t know 2 maybe 3.  ( actually just checked and it is 2!!) 

This year I do let go of the chaos.  I am too old for it and it is bringing me down. I am so tired of thinking and not doing.  I need to be and do something so much better that what I am now.  I am so exhausted and down from the stagnation.  My own stagnation.

2012 is my year of acceptance of my life…of learning to be happy and appreciative of what I have.  Of doing my own thing and being me and stopping squeezing everybody around me so tight into how I want them to be  that I look up and nobody wants to be around me anymore.  

This post speaks to me and will be my mantra for 2012:  http://crazysexylife.com/2012/vairagya-the-practice-of-letting-go/

My inner spirit is calling, my nomad, my hippy.  I look to break free of the norms and start to live more simply.  Starting with getting rid of the clutter and chaos. 

I want to be alive again.

This entry was posted in Chaos, Fears, Thoughts. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to If At First You Don’t Succeed

  1. H. says:

    A wonderful entry.
    I do hope you succeeded.

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