I am a Thinker rather than a Doer.
I realize how much I think about all the things I want to do, to accomplish. I carefully execute them in my mind, watching myself go through the actions. How I will do it, what tools I will use to make it easier, and how wonderful it will look afterwards. Only thing is, all that occurs in my mind. I rarely ever get around to actually DOING them. It is so much easier to carry it out in my head then in real life.
The biggest place I do this is when it comes to housecleaning and decluttering.
In my mind I am great! I am busy taking care of what needs to be done all the time. When I go into the kitchen I see the floor needs scrubbing, the baseboards need painting and scrubbing, the sliding glass door tracks need to be cleaned thoroughly, like down on the ground with a Q-tip in the corners clean not just a vacuum and a swipe. Papers need to be gone through, books need to be sorted and sifted, and the Tupperware cabinet desperately needs to be reorganized. Of course this is only the tip of the iceberg in this house.
But here is where it just gets crazy. I SEE these things, and in my mind’s eye when I am doing other things I PLAN how I am going to do it. I do this over and over, time and time again. But the follow through never happens. Sometimes the action does happen, lately more and more often as I am struggling against myself to get this house in order, but only after I have replayed the action scenes in my head over and over, dozens of times, hundreds of times and finally somewhere along the way pulled myself together to do it.
Case in point, the pile of stuff I posted the other day, waiting for donation. They have been waiting to move on to their new homes for at least a month now. And believe me, in terms of past donations that is a short time!
This is every single time. I get the stuff together but something in me is afraid to get rid of it. The “What Ifs” show up to pester me. What if I need or want something after it is gone? What if they just throw it away and it doesn’t get used? What if I am sorry I gave it away and miss it down the road? What if I made a bad decision?????
All of these questions and more rattle around in my brain when I am trying to get rid of stuff, and they go around louder and louder as I get to making the call and the pickup day comes. A lot of anxiety comes with getting rid of stuff. Almost as much as actually sorting through it.
But I am tired of the big pile sitting in my living room and I try to picture how nice and open it will look in that space once the stuff is gone. And so I finally made the call today. They were closed. Go figure. So I have to pull myself together again and call again tomorrow.
And it is with so many things. I see a box on the floor and will spend months telling myself I need to go through it, or pick it up, before I finally get around to doing it. Thinking not Doing. I am so frustrated with myself in that way.
Part of it is the physical aspect. I can’t get up from the floor on my own due to my legs, and I can’t lift and squat, so a lot of this is challenging to do on my own, still it needs to be done.
But a huge part of it is the emotional aspect. The second-guessing of my decisions on what is the right stuff to give away. It is so agonizing!!! I know what I want, the end result, but the getting there is so hard to get through.
I tend to hoard stories of people who are able to just give things away without attachment to them. I eat them up like potato chips…I can’t get enough of them. They are learning tools for me. They inspire me. I want to be that way. I think I will get there but for me it is a destination and I am growing in this difficult journey.
Today I gave away another bag. It was a large Hefty-type bag of uniforms that I brought to the kids’ middle school. I had gathered them all together after D graduated from the school last June and true to form it has sat in my living room since then waiting to leave. It had about 30+ tops, shorts,, and pants in it. I didn’t have any emotional attachment to it and it was actually pretty easy!
I feel some relief at the donation, another thing gone, some more space opened up. I look forward to keeping on keeping on! And I so look forward to my new Zen space.